Guilty Without Charged

No, I'm not talking about doing anything illegal (well it should be). I cheated on my fiance! I feel soooooo horrible! I think I should get like the death penalty or something. I just hate the way he treats me sometimes and Steven is just so sweet and he makes me feel special. When I say cheated I mean I only kissed him but I've done other stuff in the past when I thought Cesar cheated on me. I do realise that two wrongs do not make a right. It actually makes everything worse. I don't want to tell Cesar because I know that it will be over if I ever did tell him but keeping something this huge from him could have its downs aswell. I will never do it again and I know that I wont. I just want everything to be like when we first started dating without the him still seeing his ex long distance girlfriend. I guess I just have all this built up aggression against him since I always think hes going to cheat on me since he has done it before. Most girls would dump a guy when they first cheat but I guess I'm stupid or something. I love him to death and yes I know most of you are like "If you love someone you wouldn't cheat on them" but you have no idea what its like until your in the situation. I just don't know what to do for now. Maybe we are even now? Also I know that he did cheat on me while he was in Birmingham and I'm talking fucking around not just kissing.